i keep saying.. 'i should post something. it's really about time that i wrote something on my blog.. it's been a whole week' ..but ya know what? i've got nothing brilliant to say. just newsy stuff, but i guess that's something, eh? yeah, christmas came and went.. as mentioned in my thanksgiving post, i'm not a super huge fan of the holiday season.

so let's say the excitement of christmas was in getting a pretty shiny new watch (which i've needed for ages) and in telling my bros that they are coming to miami for the weekend in a couple of weeks. managed to not go to church this year, which was ok with me. mom and her bf went to holy hill's midnight mass again this year. i opted out b/c my back really hurt, and i didn't really want to go sit somewhere where i'd spend the entire time thinking about mike's mom. i'm not one for knowingly walking into emotional traps, and that seemed like a good enough reason for mom to not get vexed at my lack of participation in a church-related thing. *phew*

went to jess's annual boxing day celebration, which was followed by a wonderful overnight with jess and elise. there was lots of laughter, and lots of wine:



yes, jess, i put this picture in here :)



i've spent most of the rest of my time in WI sleeping, getting over my annual christmas cold. finally going out to madison to see wonderful people, today. should be fun, and i can finally give becky her birthday present from a couple months ago.

that's all i've got. new years post should be a bit more interesting..

i've always had a fear of falling. physically, falling into debt, falling behind at school and work, falling in love, falling into someone's bad graces.. anything that represents not standing on solid ground. including being picked up. so i'm a control freak. yup. that's part of it! i don't like the feeling of having anything out of control, and if something isn't in my control i need to know it's in someone else's.

but lately i seem to have a rash of things going poorly or getting out of control due to things others have done, and i'm left figuring out how to 'clean up the mess'. this has required a certain bit of tact in some situations, complete bluntness in others (ohh crazy spirituality lady! once i am not at FIU anymore i will tell your story to the internet world..) and picking battles with yet other situations. i think one of the things i'm learning is when to let go. when to say 'ok. whatever.. we're not communicating' or 'you're not worth the time/energy/emotional investment' and leave it be. this hasn't been easy for me. especially when i care very much about something or someone, i have a tendency to dive full force into the situation. which really leaves me pretty exposed to being hurt or, sometimes worse, having my energy sucked completely out of me. i've been burned a couple of times because of that. putting myself out there so fully, trying to salvage things, but being taken advantage of. used up, often with the situation still unresolved.

like i said. i've done a lot of learning with this. i think i still have a long way to go though..

annnd now i have to go help make dinner. it's good to be home.

well, the new york city adventures have begun.. i spent last night hanging out with libbidy, a friend from undergrad. was proud because i took the train by myself - a new experience for me in the states. the way down there was totally fine. not many people, relative quiet, no bumps.. on the way home, however, the train in front of mine broke down. so what should have been a one hour ride ended up being just over two hours, and i didn't get back to the house until 4am. coupled with the .. um.. 5? hours of sleep i had gotten the night before, and the strange guy who talked to me the whole time, that train ride was reallly interesting. random guy told me that wearing two thumb rings means i'm a serial killer. that statement was later retracted when he saw that my socks had flowers on them. because serial killers can't have flowers on their socks? sure. anyhow.. definitely a good night, but definitely a weird night.

going to see avenue Q tonight! super exciting.

my friend sue had this in her away message today, and it thoroughly amused me. gotta love the holidays!

"Our cookies are being stored in the cold on our front porch. A squirrel broke in through our mail slot. He/she/it tore through & ate a tupperwear full of chocolate kiss pretzels. A little part of me hopes he has a great holiday. A bigger part of me hopes the little bastard dies."

well said, sue.

so, i made it through the week. happily with no more black spots. a little grey, but no great black pits of despair about school, etc. got to stay up most of the night (till 7am) with a bunch of my students at the queer-in overnight. which was very much fun.. i don't really do the whole staying up all night thing, especially when i'm already sleep deprived, but i decided there should be some staff there just in case, so i stayed. we played through my whole box of apples to apples. yay.

i've decided my weekend will consist mostly of doing things that don't require my brain. it needs a rest. as does my body. i am going to sleep, and watch movies, bake tasty things, and look forward to going to NY and home. appreciated and a little bit necessary? definitely. indulgent? heck yeah. def. excited for this. :)

this pretty much is me the last few days:


extremely frustrated with school stuff. with professors who don't seem to care, with projects that seem pointless and unstimulating.. my mood was pretty black for a couple of days.
things are looking up a bit. but this is me saying that at 9:30 as i'm just starting to write a paper that is due tomorrow. the black may return. am hoping not, as it's absolutely my least favorite feeling.. but cross your fingers. we'll see.