i had some time to sit and think for a while yesterday.. and this is what came out of my head:

"at some point, i stopped writing just to write. when i was younger, i would spend time every day just writing whatever came to my head. no worries about sentence structure or coherence.. no focus on whether what i was writing made sense. i wrote just to write. my head was filled with all these words that just needed to come out. things that refused to stay in. and every day i took a little while to let it all out. as i have progressed through my years (although i am yet not very old..) i have found myself having a harder time writing just for the joy of creation. as i have been taught in school, all writing must serve a purpose. it must express an idea, an emotion. prove a point. make sense. why is that?

through especially the last two years, i have seen so many things that don't make sense. things that made me throw up my hands in frustration or disbelief, 'i just don't get it!' so why then is it in my head that the things i write about must make sense? if i am to express what is really going on in my head and my surroundings, how can i be expected to write sentences that make meaning out of something i can't even wrap my head around? how much of what is in our heads could make beautiful writing if we could get past this training that says 'everything in your world can be made sense of'?

even as i write this i am keenly aware of the contradiction in what i am doing. these words came out to express my distaste for everything having to have a purpose. is that not itself a purpose? i sat down to write about the things in my head, and ended up writing about my inability to do so. instead of actually writing about the thoughts, describing them and setting them free, i have merely written about their existance, not giving them the due of full expression."

...and then i got interrupted.

but i wanted to share.

back to the insanity! i have interviews with 6 schools (from literally coast to coast) this weekend. cross your fingers that at least one or two go well :)