hooray for running at 1am.
hooray for my wonderful brother who came running with me and didn't make fun of how slow i am (actually i think he was impressed that i wasn't completely turtle-like :D )
hooray for my wonderful arianna who mailed me grey's anatomy.
hooray for TV that can make me think.
and hooray for seeing new places that make me think, with people who make me think.

this is a picture of me at the korean war memorial park in seoul.

and this is julie, michelle, roman, me and my bro, out for a night of fun with coworkers and friends.

and this is seoul tower at night, which i mentioned previously that i am in love with. the part where it's green actually changes colors to red and white and yellow.. absolutely mesmerizing..


one of the ways this place has been interesting for me has been the way i simultaneously feel very beautiful and really not. the feeling beautiful comes from a lot of things.. lack of stress is a huge one. i wake up whenever i wake up every day, and stay up pretty much as late as i want (which, being me, is not very late. but whatever.). i've been getting exercise and spending lots of time juggling. i think i've also been told that i am beautiful more times in the last three weeks than in the last four or five months. i have one student that every time i teach him he says 'teacher, you are beautiful!' it's adorable, and makes me smile every time. on the other hand, i have moments of feeling just.. gross. it's so weird for me to be bigger than everyone else. in every way. to know that if i walk into a store the chance of finding clothing that would fit me (or that i could get on my body even) is pretty much zero. there are days when my thoughts are ugly, and i feel as though i can see it in my face and my eyes.. sometimes i am amazed that others can't see it.

saturday night i felt very ugly. i was tired and overwhelmed (and hungry too i think). we were on our way into itaewon to get egg sandwiches and sit for a drink at a club for a bit, and i just got black inside for a while. it was awful. i felt like dorian gray.. fine on the outside, but had someone perceptive painted a picture of me it would have been wretched. by the time we got to the egg sandwiches i was on the verge of tears and completely not hungry anymore. for a while my insides felt like they were ripping, really only being held in by walking arm in arm with Roman. that bit of contact kept me present. i felt better once at the club.. eric pulled me onto the dance floor and *made* me dance with him. there's something about spinning and just feeling the rhythm that is so good.. so true. anyhow. it brought me back to equilibrium and i felt alright after that. i have been contemplating the ups and downs and simultaneous polar feelings for the past couple of days.. i think they're just something i have to work through this summer. working through things is, after all, why i am here.