12.22.2006

i've always had a fear of falling. physically, falling into debt, falling behind at school and work, falling in love, falling into someone's bad graces.. anything that represents not standing on solid ground. including being picked up. so i'm a control freak. yup. that's part of it! i don't like the feeling of having anything out of control, and if something isn't in my control i need to know it's in someone else's.

but lately i seem to have a rash of things going poorly or getting out of control due to things others have done, and i'm left figuring out how to 'clean up the mess'. this has required a certain bit of tact in some situations, complete bluntness in others (ohh crazy spirituality lady! once i am not at FIU anymore i will tell your story to the internet world..) and picking battles with yet other situations. i think one of the things i'm learning is when to let go. when to say 'ok. whatever.. we're not communicating' or 'you're not worth the time/energy/emotional investment' and leave it be. this hasn't been easy for me. especially when i care very much about something or someone, i have a tendency to dive full force into the situation. which really leaves me pretty exposed to being hurt or, sometimes worse, having my energy sucked completely out of me. i've been burned a couple of times because of that. putting myself out there so fully, trying to salvage things, but being taken advantage of. used up, often with the situation still unresolved.

like i said. i've done a lot of learning with this. i think i still have a long way to go though..

annnd now i have to go help make dinner. it's good to be home.

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