Returning to visit a place that was once home is tricky. On the one hand, you have an insider's perspective due to previous intimate knowledge of the people and places. On the other hand, having not been around for awhile you also are an outsider and can no longer understand the entire story due to temporal and physical distance. Also, having stepped out of the story of that place, it is no longer your role to try to impact events, merely to note the changes in both that place and your self and to learn from it.
I have made a habit of returning to places I have lived as a "final accounting" (in the words of Maisie Dobbs). I go partly to make sure the people and projects I have cared about are doing OK, but also to make sure I really allow myself to be OK with being apart from them. That is turning out to be a bit more difficult with this visit to Miami than it was with other places.
This was the first time I have returned to find my people and projects suffering and I am having to cope with the knowledge that there is not much I can do to fix it.
I am by nature a creator, a do'er, a fixer. There were lots of jokes during my visit about me staying to fix things, and part of me truly wished I could. But my home, my life, my family, are in Colorado now and I know this is where I need to be. There were things about Miami that were unhealthy for me. Those things will have to be folded up and put away, with care, so I can learn, grow, and recover from them.
I know I had to leave in order to be successful and happy. But the relationships I have with people are also part of what allows me to be well and I will fold up the love and connections I have with people and keep those close to my heart.
Thank you for the wonderful and intense visit.
