5.22.2006

one of the ways this place has been interesting for me has been the way i simultaneously feel very beautiful and really not. the feeling beautiful comes from a lot of things.. lack of stress is a huge one. i wake up whenever i wake up every day, and stay up pretty much as late as i want (which, being me, is not very late. but whatever.). i've been getting exercise and spending lots of time juggling. i think i've also been told that i am beautiful more times in the last three weeks than in the last four or five months. i have one student that every time i teach him he says 'teacher, you are beautiful!' it's adorable, and makes me smile every time. on the other hand, i have moments of feeling just.. gross. it's so weird for me to be bigger than everyone else. in every way. to know that if i walk into a store the chance of finding clothing that would fit me (or that i could get on my body even) is pretty much zero. there are days when my thoughts are ugly, and i feel as though i can see it in my face and my eyes.. sometimes i am amazed that others can't see it.

saturday night i felt very ugly. i was tired and overwhelmed (and hungry too i think). we were on our way into itaewon to get egg sandwiches and sit for a drink at a club for a bit, and i just got black inside for a while. it was awful. i felt like dorian gray.. fine on the outside, but had someone perceptive painted a picture of me it would have been wretched. by the time we got to the egg sandwiches i was on the verge of tears and completely not hungry anymore. for a while my insides felt like they were ripping, really only being held in by walking arm in arm with Roman. that bit of contact kept me present. i felt better once at the club.. eric pulled me onto the dance floor and *made* me dance with him. there's something about spinning and just feeling the rhythm that is so good.. so true. anyhow. it brought me back to equilibrium and i felt alright after that. i have been contemplating the ups and downs and simultaneous polar feelings for the past couple of days.. i think they're just something i have to work through this summer. working through things is, after all, why i am here.

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